fic: A Handful of Rain Epilogue

[riyku]

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The doors slid open, and there was one last overhead blast of cool, compressed air before Jensen walked out into the sticky summertime humidity. He paused, breathed the outside in deep, holding it, the mixture of dust and dirt and car exhaust.

The thin sweatshirt was already stifling him, and Jensen wanted to take it off, but his hands stopped with the zipper only part way down. He was afraid of his arms, the thinness of them, the blindingly pale skin and the dark scars running along the insides that would show the world what he was, or what he had been.

A gentle hand wrapped around his elbow and he glanced down toward the woman at his side. It was Constance, his recovery counselor that had been appointed by the powers that be. Jensen thought that maybe they’d gotten the name wrong. Patience would be a better name for her, but Constance might be close enough.

“You okay?” She asked him, but didn’t need an answer. Her upturned eyes were sparkling and her smile warm, and when she gave his arm an affectionate squeeze, Jensen knew that he loved her, just a little.

He finished with the zipper and shoved his sleeves up a couple of inches, checking to see if his tracks were still hidden. They were, it would be enough. “Are we taking the train?” Jensen said, he had the address of his new halfway house memorized, but the name and the number meant nothing to him. The city was big, full of unfamiliar places.

“It’s not far, and you look like you could use a walk, love.” That was another thing about her, a pet name she called everybody. Like she could see the potential for it in everyone. It was probably a symptom of her job, or a requirement. “But first,” she said, shifting her gaze toward the street.

Jensen followed it, watched as a beat up old Chevy pickup came to a quick and rocking stop along the sidewalk. It backfired once when the engine was cut off. The door squawked as Jared got out. He rounded the front of the truck, the expression on his face a little hesitant, as if he wasn’t sure whether this was alright. Rather than approaching the two of them, he leaned against the passenger side. Tilting his head to the side, he crossed his arms and just watched Jensen, watched him like that was the only thing he planned to do all day.

Jensen knew this would happen eventually, but right now it felt too soon. Too soon to come up with all the words for all the apologies he needed to make to Jared, a man who had been willing to give Jensen the world on a shiny silver platter if he had only been brave enough to reach out and grab hold of it. He thought about his last twenty-eight days in the rehab center, and all of the times he’d picked up the phone to call Jared, only to stare futilely at the receiver before hanging it up again.

Jensen’s hand crept up to the crook of his arm, nails absently scratching as he stared back at Jared. There was no itch, he realized, and snatched the hand away, instead digging the nails into his blue jeans at the thigh. It turned out that some habits were hard to kill. That was one thing that Jensen had definitely learned over the past few weeks. Old habits never died on their own, you had to kill them. Even then they sometimes came back.

A light push to the small of his back by Constance got him moving. A few dragging steps and a nervous glance back to her. He had to face the inevitable, and only hoped that it wouldn’t hurt too badly.

“Hey,” Jensen said, stopping a few small steps short of Jared. Summertime looked good on Jared. His skin was tanned dark, hair a little streaked -- highlighted from time spent outside. Jensen thought about what he must look like right now, skin so thin and pale that he had to appear more like a ghost than a living, breathing person.

“It got hot out,” Jared said, and the way he sounded, the way the words purred, made Jensen shiver, even though he was stifling.

Jared pushed himself off the car, took one long step toward Jensen, wrapping his hands in the front of Jensen’s sweatshirt, and Jensen thought he was now going to get it, all the frustration, anger, everything. He stared Jared right in the eye, unblinking, clenching his jaw and waiting for it to hit.

The yelling never came, no accusation. Jared pushed the sweatshirt off Jensen’s shoulders, further down until he was free of it. Jensen just stood there, arms out like a child as Jared tied it around his waist. When Jared was finished, he took one of Jensen’s hands in his own, pulling his arm out and looking. Brushing his fingertips lightly over the scars there, he said, “You don’t have to hide from me. I know who you are.”

It hit him like a gunshot, and it took a few moments for Jensen to speak, for him to trust his voice. He pulled his arm back from Jared’s grip, fought the urge to wrap them around himself and hide as well as he could. There was this feeling of nakedness. Complete exposure. “But you don’t know what I’ve done,” Jensen ran a hand over his eyes. “Not all of it, anyhow. Hell, I don’t think that I even know.”

All the while Jared was staring at him as if he were some sort of abstract art form that he couldn’t quite understand, but felt drawn to nonetheless. “I don’t need to,” he said, and it was simple, the words spoken with a staggering truthfulness that Jensen still was not accustomed to, even after all this time.

He took a step forward, into Jared’s space, squinting up at him. The sun was right behind him, reducing Jared’s face to a silhouette, full of dark shadows. He moved in closer, until Jared completely filled his field of vision.

“When you look at me, what do you see?” Jensen asked without thinking.

Jared tilted his head some, his eyes narrowed, considering.

When Jared kept quiet, Jensen shook his head and continued, “You don’t have to answer that.” He didn’t want to know, not really. It was frightening. He was afraid of the wrong answer, perhaps even more afraid of the right one.

Jared took a deep breath, answered on the exhale. “Nothing.” The tone of his voice wasn’t cruel, only real. Honest.

Jensen nodded, sucked his bottom lip between his teeth and bit down hard. It wasn’t the answer he’d hoped for, but at least he now knew that he could rely on Jared to not lie to him. “Thank you,” Jensen said, stepping blindly backward and starting to turn away. That was the truth, after all, and maybe someday he would be able to make himself into something that was a little more than that. But right now he wasn’t, and that was alright. All right.

Another step away and suddenly he felt insistent hands grabbing his arms from behind, pulling him backward some, stopping his forward momentum so fast that his cheap sneakers skidded and squeaked on the pavement. Jared’s hair tickled his ear when he leaned in close and pressed his lips to Jensen’s neck as he wrapped his arms around his shoulders. “And everything,” Jared whispered, so low that Jensen feared that it may have only been wishful thinking. But his wishes weren’t allowed to come true. Not yet, anyway.

Jensen made a move to face him, but Jared just held him fast. Instead, he wrapped his fingers loosely around Jared’s wrist and made a little noise, the closest he could come to a question.

“When I look at you, Jensen, I see everything. Everything. Always.”

~fin~




Notes and Music

Comments

[chloe-amethyst.livejournal.com]

I loved reading this. I followed a rec and then took my time with it, savoring everything. I've never been a heroin addict, but everything you wrote about the mindset of both addiction and recovery feels so real. No easy answers, just getting from one moment to the next, one day at a time. I also admired the way that Jared's relationship with Jensen evolved so subtly, so organically, if you will. No great purple words of passionate excess--just quiet words of comfort and understanding and hope.

Thanks so much to you and to your artist for sharing all this hard work.

[riyku.livejournal.com]

First off, thanks so much for the note on the art. I lucked out amazingly with zaipixie, who was an absolute treasure to work with, and who brought so much feeling to the story with her artwork.

Thanks also for the comment on the characters. It's great to know that they were relatable, even without a personal context, and that their relationship didn't seem forced at all. I was afraid I straddled the line with purple prose a couple of times, and it's wonderful to hear that perhaps I steered clear of it! Again, many thanks!

[mizface.livejournal.com]

This is such a special piece of writing.... I don't have the words. Not an easy read, given the subject matter, but well worth it. Beautiful and stark and yet at the same time it's just filled with gorgeous imagery. The care with which you chose each word is evident.

Thank you so very much for sharing this.

[riyku.livejournal.com]

What a lovely comment. Yes, I was really scared that no one would read this because of the tricky subject matter, and I couldn't be more happy with the response I've gotten on the story. Thanks so much for the note on the style and many thanks for reading.

Puppies!

[mongognom.livejournal.com]

That was just awesome.

Re: Puppies!

[riyku.livejournal.com]

Glad to hear that you liked it. Very many thanks!

[nerowill.livejournal.com]

Well done! I wish Jensen hadn't backslid, but it feels very real. I love that Jared won't give up on him.

[riyku.livejournal.com]

It's great to hear that you liked this. The backslide surely wasn't a lot of fun to write, but it seemed rather inevitable to me. Thanks so much for the note!

[sienata.livejournal.com]

awesome story. you really went deep and dark and dirty, and while the ending was certainly nothing shiny, it rang true and i appreciate that. you didn't wrap it all up in a bow - you let it be what it really was. great job. great dialogue too. everything flowed perfectly. i really enjoyed this. thanks so much. :)

[riyku.livejournal.com]

What a lovely comment! Thanks very much for the note on the dialogue (always a tricky thing, that), and it's great to know that you liked the style and pace of the story. It's also good to hear that my lack of a happy ending here didn't throw you off. Again, many thanks!

[simplybeing.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow. Okay. That was hands down one of the most breathtaking and amazing stories I have ever read. So gripping and gritty and... real. I just... gah. I can't even put into words how much I loved it. It was so perfect I know I'll be back to read it again and again.

ps. Just fyi, I am so adding it to j2_recs. <3

[tygers.livejournal.com]

Sorry for the late response-I'm grumbling over my lack of notifications over here. You've blown me away with your response to this story, and I can't thank you enough for your comment. That you would want to read this over again is such a generous compliment. It's great to know that it wasn't too gritty for you, which was a definite fear of mine when writing it.

Also, thanks very much for the rec! Wonderful news!

Sorry for the long comment... I just felt like I had to get it out of my chest and into writing...

[mayoranime.livejournal.com]

First of all I love the title, it fit perfectly. "...like trying to hold a handful of rain. Damn near impossible, but you just keep on holding your hands out for more.” PERFECT SUMMARY OF THE WHOLE STORY U HAVE WRITTEN...

It reminds me that weather we want to or not, we all the do the same. We stick our hand out upright to the sky trying to catch the rain, and just like little kids we get mesmerized by the fact that we can't hold the rain in our palms, yet we continue to try and failing every single time... But no matter how many times we try and fail, we continue to try, but we get lost in the sensation that we get so close and we are about to accomplish it, it fall flat in the ground...Kkind of like a moth when it sees the bright light, it flies and gets so close and probably thinks "look how close I can get and be ok... maybe , just maybe I can get a bit closer and be ok". It flies a bit closer and gets burned, but it doesn't learn, since its mesmerized by the brightness, so it keeps on trying until the body can't take it no more and burns out.

its like an addiction, the closer we get, the more we fail, the more we want it until it breaks us and kills us, or someone one brings a container to catch the falling rain from our hands...

That's what ur story has made me think off... Very deep and philosophical!! Just my type of addiction... lol

Thank you for your great story I said before in ur story "Ain't no sunshine", your writting is so organic and good that when I read it I cna vizualize it as if I was watching it instead of reading it and it makes me feel emotions that go with what I;m reading and wathcing in my mind... the ending was great...

Exceptionally great writing skills you have there... Continue on writing and bring some of us a scape goat of our mesmerized state of falling rain that we can never catch on our hands by ourselves...

~Mar

Re: Sorry for the long comment... I just felt like I had to get it out of my chest and into writing.

[riyku.livejournal.com]

Sorry for the late response...apparently I haven't been getting notifications for comments for a little while, and didn't realize it.

It's lovely to know that you liked the title. As soon as I had written that bit of Jared's dialogue, I knew that I had (finally) landed on a title for the thing. The working title for this story had been 'Relevance,' and in a big way I still think of this story as that. It makes sense to me in a big way, because I think that Jensen had been looking for relevance for a very long time. It's probably something that got him into the mess in the first place. But I ramble, sorry!

You're right--this story sure ain't no sunshine and roses, and I've been completely blown away by the response to it. I was certain that no one was going to read it when I finally posted.

Thank you for the note on the style, I'm glad that you found it very visual and that you could relate to it so much! You are too kind!

[sadritsuka12.livejournal.com]

AWWWWWE.... ALOMST MADE ME CRY

[riyku.livejournal.com]

Sorry for the late response, and eeekk!!! I'm sorry that I made you cry! I hope it was a good kind of crying and not the bad kind! Thanks very much.

[fromcainwthlove.livejournal.com]

i made myself slow down and read this over three days, just so i wouldn't be up till 4 and i could really enjoy it. i'm glad i did. i don't really have words right now to say how much i liked this, how hard it hit me. i don't know if you've struggled with addiction yourself, or if you've loved someone who has, but you understand it. this was real, and painful, and parts were hard to read, but it was also so full of hope. thank you.

[riyku.livejournal.com]

Wow. Thanks so much for this feedback. I understand that this story isn't a walk in the park, and completely can see how a person needs to space it out. When writing it, I would have to shove it in a proverbial drawer and walk away from it for days at a time. Thanks for the note on my understanding of addiction-I wish I didn't, honestly, but there you have it. Again, many thanks for sticking with me on this one.

[malcolm-doyle.livejournal.com]

This fic made me feel like I was detoxing. No joke. From the get go I was like I don't want to read a story were Jensen is a junkie! and then I read the intro. And as depressing as it was, I was curious as to where it was going next. And it was still depressing but my interest was so peaked. Each chapter was insanely painful and slowly but surely there were little bits of happiness, little pieces of hope. I felt like Jensen, feeling so much pain but the little moments of good makes it all worthwhile. This was a great one, so beautifully written. I loved that Jared wanted so much for everyone and that Jensen wanted something for himself even if he couldn't take it this first try. Wonderful work, this is an excellent story.

[riyku.livejournal.com]

Is it terrible of me to be a little glad that this made you feel like you were detoxing? Thanks so much for giving it a shot, even though you weren't sure you wanted to read it. I knew right away that this wasn't going to be one of those easy fix-it sort of stories, but I'm grateful to hear that those little moments when things seemed a little brighter were enough to keep you going with it. Thanks so much for reading, and very much for the feedback.

[baba-o-reily.livejournal.com]

So, I'm incredibly late to this party, but I just wanted to say that this moved me in ways I can't even begin to put into words. Thank you.

[riyku.livejournal.com]

Goodness, I'm so very late in response, so your lateness to the party is forgiven a million times over. Your comment has just reminded me of how much I've missed this story (that probably doesn't make a lick of sense, sorry), but thank you. I'm so glad that you got something out of this, and I hope so much that it struck you in a good way.

[ajap1991.livejournal.com]

The ending made me really sad... and yet it kinda didn't. I dunno, I'm conflicted on how to feel. I just wish that Jensen and Jared could always end up together, no matter what obsticles, y'know? That no matter what, even drugs wouldn't falter their relationship in almost any way. I know that is extremely unrealistic and that J2 is just as human and imperfect as everyone, but still. The story was beautiful, the message was beautiufl, and the ending -though sad- was still equally as beautiful. My kudos for you are endlessley abundant. =)

[riyku.livejournal.com]

Such a late response. Very sorry for that, but thank you so much for the note on this story. If it makes you feel any better, in my head they were together again at the end. It was a case of Jensen owning his mistakes and needed to make himself better in order to be worthy of being with Jared, if that makes sense. Again, so many thanks, and I'm sorry this made you sad!

[fishgirl52.livejournal.com]

this was an amazing story. the support of jared without pushing was so natural. i was so pissed at jensen when he relapsed. he had a start and he had jared and still he needed that high. so sad. at least jared was there to pick him up once again. great job. :)

[riyku.livejournal.com]

Goodness. Sorry for such a late response here. I was a little ticked at Jensen's relapse too, but I wanted to stick with something realistic, and that's how these things go. Thanks so much for the note, and again sorry for my tardiness!

[oddlyspoken.livejournal.com]

I'm sort of fumbling around for words at the moment to convey just how much of an impact this story had on me. Even though I know nothing of drug addiction this feels like an accurate representation on both a factual and emotional level. As I read the dread grew as I waited for the other shoe to drop, though I wasn't sure how bad it would be. I appreciate the glimmer of hope and the lack of judgement at the end.

Beautifully written. Many thanks for sharing.

[spn-2008.livejournal.com]

This was in my To Read list since the last year BigBang, was not in my priority reading list...but I was so wrong!, this one of the best J2 fics I have ever read, fantastically well written, good and strong plot, the characters are so real, heartbreaking and raw!...simply awesome.

Well done!, loved it ♥

Now I need to run to read your 2011 BIG Bang !